What's your biggest fear?

Me and my best friend, Gil, have this game we play. It's called questions. It's where one person asks a question and then everybody playing, including the question asker, has to answer.
Once we were playing and he asked, "What's your biggest fear?" I asked him to let me think about it whilst he answered.
His answer was that losing everyone he loves would be his biggest fear.
How noble of him, I'd thought. To think of them above himself. To value their lives more than his own. I would come to learn later how scary that could be. Suicidal.
Then it came time for me to answer. I thought about it.
I counted up all my smaller phobias, and tried to string together the similarity amongst them. Fear of heights, fear of death, and Agateophobia; the fear of going insane.
I finally realized was that what I feared was a lack of control. I feared not being able to think my way out of something. I feared being put in a situation where I couldn't come up with a plan to get out or away. I was terrified of that feeling.... defeat I suppose.
Of course when I announced this to Gil he just thought I was simply a weird control freak...But it was more than that.
I felt like I was crazy, till the day I read Divergent.
For those of you who haven't read the book;
The main character, Tris, has to go through a "fear landscape". It's a simulation that shows you your worst fears. At one point she's trapped in a glass box that's filling with water. She comes to realize that her fear isn't of drowning. It's of being utterly hopeless and out of options. Out of control.
And that's what I fear. That tragic and helpless feeling of being completely out of control.
I feel like that's one of many reasons why relationships tend to not work out for me. I get so awkward and standoffish. I suddenly feel like I can't even be their friend anymore. I just constantly have this aching feeling of; "God, this is gonna end eventually. What's the point anyway? It's inevitable."
It goes back to the idea of losing control. I just can't seem to allow myself to let go and loose myself into another person.
I try and try to stop, but the morbid thought is always at the back of mind. Just sitting there. Refusing to allow my happiness.
But someday. Someday. Someday I can just feel it. It'll work out. Even just once. Even just for a temporary amount of time.
Someone once said, "maybe he doesn't regret having his heart broken, because having so beautifully whole for even a temporary amount of time was worth it."

Today's song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzZQJZdcCU4&index=12&list=PLgYlI0M1tXcmatlc0y6UyPbqNROOylL9U